two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
