dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
