Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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