I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
