Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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