the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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