She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize