Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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