Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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