The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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