Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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