i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
