Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
