i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
