All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
