I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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