Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
