U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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