God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So apparently I’m into choking now
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize