my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
