dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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