I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize