as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
