just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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