Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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