I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
