You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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