if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
