I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
