At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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