8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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