Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize