You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize