Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
