My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
