Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
