i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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