thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
