thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
