I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
