i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
