So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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