I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
