I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize