I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize