shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
