I didn't shave. On purpose
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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