You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
