i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
