Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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