Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
