I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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