My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
