I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
