JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
