shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
