Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
