I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
