my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
