I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
