Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
