I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
